when realizations start to sink in

Here I am, relaxing and just simply sitting down in front of my computer ignoring that film playing while staring at the book I have been reading try not to think anything but myself; of what I have done especially in the past year. Admittedly I have wasted my time not realizing it because I enjoyed almost every damn day of it. In general it was fun and exciting and pretty much an adventure of mind, feelings and life being with highs and lows; near and far and with people I know, I knew and with nothing but myself but was it all worth it?

In this I try to ask myself and rationalize. Was it really all worth it? Maybe — maybe because I completely lived on it or with it; or maybe because it was the only choice I had for the moment as I wished to undo what I thought should not be the way they were; to pick up the pieces left but eventually it became picking up more pieces of the life I just passed by. I found it more complicated. More should haves. More could haves. More would haves. My controls got confused with the undo and redo thing. Moreover, I need to check and uncheck which the ones I genuinely saved or still want to salvage. 

When things are required to be done alone, I do it my way. It doesn’t mean I hell know what it is, what to do or how to do it but for the reason that there is a need for taking every inch, first hand practice and learning to master it. I don’t claim any intelligence thus, I need to feel up the empty cup of my whole and evaluate according to the standards of my belief, knowledge or anyone else’ norm.

Say it is passive, one way or boring. I don’t need to explain nor ask for any explanation. If it is what it is then be it. No closing of doors but taking another avenue if the other one is not or no longer passable. It’s fine with me. There might still a chance to route back but there would be a BUT. Yes, opportunity may only come once same as it is with me when I wasn’t able to get SOME while I way strive for it. Call it weak or coward or even pathetic but then again, the reasons I don’t need to explain.

Prioritize is what I always have in mind but some things really just turn out to be so spontaneous that some were needed to be put aside or left behind not that I want or have to but considering there might be a better experience or episode to come along. It is always making a choice and if I get hurt or if I fail, my fall back is the thought of the FACT that it was my choice so bear it; anyway, anyhow all these shall pass. The bottom line would still be me. So selfish, so rude less, so destructing but many times I still seek to live on for another possibility to see and make it better and hear what really is for me—my true calling.